This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
You Might Also Like
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Education is vital
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.