*eats pizza out of box in bed
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
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One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.