Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.