[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
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Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
The two types of wives
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back