before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.