3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
You Might Also Like
“That’s what” – She
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
the answer was staring at me all along
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib