They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
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My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
They got a point!
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Going into Monday like
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
PLOT TWIST:
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise