My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
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I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Breaking news:
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
when you are just born a rebel
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one