hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
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mom gave me mine for free
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
asking santa clause for nudes
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
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Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.