You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
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spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?