*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
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May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.