Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
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Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.