I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
me hooking up with my ex
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.