I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
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Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank