My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
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Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.