“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
You Might Also Like
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
there’s probably a fee though
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.