@WilliamAder

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

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@CroweJam

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

@edfoxcomedy

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

@trevso_electric

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

@azedand2knots

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

@Ruby_Stevens

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

@STOTLE

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

@Whitnuts

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

@noog

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.