Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
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Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
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