My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
You Might Also Like
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.