Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
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Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.