I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
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Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
nyc:
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet