my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
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*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Oh the world we live in…
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…