Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
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Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!