*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
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I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Every. Damn. Time.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while