*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
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Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie