*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
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him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.