Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
You Might Also Like
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Beware…..
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.