Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
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Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now