If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
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Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I will never stop laughing at this
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months