Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
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Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
best first i’ve ever seen
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
felt that
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer