I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
You Might Also Like
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Finally, an explanation.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.