YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
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“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!