wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
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A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.