@iwearaonesie

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

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@fro_vo

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

@D2BMcG

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

@msdanifernandez

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

@THEPokerWife

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

@cramoska

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

@generaldietz

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

@electric_Dad_

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

@imence2

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!