Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
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2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
just witnessed a drug deal
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie