me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
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me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.