It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
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It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I needed a laugh this morning.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.