It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
![]()
You Might Also Like
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”![]()
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.