Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.
Yellow duck mess, my old friend.
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[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.