Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
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If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage