Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
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Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.