Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
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Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
This is a true ally.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Check your privilege
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.