Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
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This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Mornin
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Had to try this trend 😊
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
This kid will have a bright future.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.