My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
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Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle