Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
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Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.