The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
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[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I hate my earbuds.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.