Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
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Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.