It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
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If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam