[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
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You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!