I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
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No selfies while hijacking a train.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
lmfao come on