lmfao come on
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“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far