Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
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teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.