Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
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[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
selfie game
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.