People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
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When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Start the year as you intend to continue.
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god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Breaking news:
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Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.