People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
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“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?