Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
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A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
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me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
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Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Super Hand Dog Face
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The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
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I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
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BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula