Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
You Might Also Like
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…