Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
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Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
That 👊
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.