Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
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For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue