Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
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I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
crochet youtube is brutal
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.